So I have to apologize before I really get into this because a lot has happened since I wrote that title. First off, I will say that I have been really productive this week. I started this week getting up early which is something that I’ve wanted to do for awhile. It has allowed me to really get some things done. I’ve written my own chord charts for my singers and musicians for the upcoming concerts. I’ve had 4 rehearsals (not including the one I’m getting ready to attend), and I’ve been doing a lot of stuff in preparation.

Here’s what I haven’t done so far…I haven’t finished the song for my brother in law’s wedding and I haven’t written out the cello and viola parts for the people who will be playing with me. I need to do that. I also have yet to find a job. So my ‘productivity’ seems a little bit hindered in my own mind.

My wife’s new idea is that I do a piano CD of songs that I could record. That would take some money, but not as much as it would take for a full blown project. I have thought about doing something like this. I’ve also thought about getting some equipment to record somet things at home. I don’t know how I would pull it off, but I would love to have some stuff at home to work with.

All of this to say…I’m really feeling discouraged as of late. Earlier this week, my facebook status said something about me having a fragile heart that I continue to put out there knowing that it could be crushed at any moment. Right now I’m feeling totally crushed. I feel that even though I’m working hard on getting music ready for concerts and worship stuff that no one will care and that it will all fall flat. I’m TOTALLY scared that I’m not going to be effective and that I’m wasting time and money on something pointless. Sometimes I question why I’m a musician. I struggle with it even more when I see friends around me who are doing the things that I would love to do. It’s not really a jealousy issue, but I wonder if I missed my chance because I see so many other around me who have made the move. Anyway, like I said, I’m a little discouraged.

And now that I’ve TOTALLY negatively promoted myself, I have a concert that is a little more than a week away at TimberRidge Community Church. Please come out if you can. I’ll have more info up about it as the time comes.

I have decided today that the battle is not mine. What does that mean? I realize that God is prepping me for something big and I don’t know what it is. However, Satan surely knows what it is and has decided to see if he can wear me down with all these peripheral discussions, arguments and dilemmas. I have had the most random day and I thought I liked it, but I’m pretty sure that I don’t anymore. I know that my hopes of starting it over won’t be granted to me, so my only bet is that I can try to do better tomorrow.  But sometimes I wonder…

I wonder why these things happen? I wonder why without notice things can switch and what was a good relationship is now being questioned. I wonder why miscommunication happens even when there was nothing being communicated? I sometimes wonder how men handle the pressures of being men. Responsibility is ours and we know that. Sometimes we like that, especially when things work out right. However, the dark, ugly side of responsibility shows up sometimes when we really don’t want it to or maybe can’t deal with the emotional aspect of it.

I’m writing today as someone who knows the battle has come to his doorstep. I’m dealing with a lot of things, and I’m glad to be done with school so I can attempt to concentrate on all the things swirling around my head. Even with the extra time and minimal extracurricular items, life can still be pretty taxing. That’s what I’ve noticed today. These are times that, as my friend Danielle says, “I know God is teaching me something and I sort of feel like we’ve had this lesson already. I’d like to say ‘God, I understand this lesson…can we move on to another one?’” That is what is in my heart today. I don’t know if that helps anyone, but it helps me to write it out. Sometimes I wonder if anyone cares…