I know, I know…I skipped  yesterday. I feel really bad about it, too. But I took a TOTAL day off and didn’t really even look at my laptop. I’ve been so engulfed in other things that I took a super step away from everything. Which was pretty good actually. Especially looking at how today has gone up until now. Anyway, this thought came to my head yesterday. It is mostly a result of Sunday’s service. Which means that it would have been a great thing to write about on Monday but…

The choir at the CKBC sang Sunday morning for the first time. It turned out pretty good even though Sunday morning’s rehearsal did not. I actually had a lady in the choir come up to me after they sang to say that she didn’t know what to expect after that rehearsal, but they pulled it together. Then Sunday night went okay. At the end of the night as I looked back at the day, I was feeling quite disappointed in myself. I felt as if I should have made a better presentation musically throughout the course of the day. I felt really sub par. The only things that kept running through my brain were all the things that didn’t go right. There were quite a few things that went well, but I was focusing on all the things that didn’t work correctly. I spent some time praying and was convicted in my own thought process. It was quite selfish of me to take that whole thing on myself and then not be able to accept the praise that was being given. All I could focus on was what didn’t happen. My heart was dealing with the what ELSE as opposed to the what IS.

What’s the difference? When I’m focused on the what else, I’m saying that who I am and what I have to give is not enough for God, even though He has already said that it is. I’m trying to add something to make myself more presentable. The reality of the matter is that I wasn’t good enough in the first place and He was the one that made me good enough. There’s nothing that I can do to make myself more presentable. Obviously, when I try I just turn out to be uglier. And believe me, I don’t have much room to be making myself uglier. But even now I still have trouble giving the whole thing to the only One who can handle it all. I still have trouble believing that He wants anything to do with me. I think I’ll right a song about it. In the meantime I’ll share some words from another song.

I wondered how to come to You I did not dare believe it true

That You regard the orphaned ones beloved daughters, worthy sons

The broken and the barren too, I heard could find a rest in You

What kind of love in injury’s place would leave instead the stain of grace

So I come in sorrow and I come in shame I come to the cross with my pain

Just as I am without one plea, but that Thy blood was shed for me

And that Thou bidst me come to thee O Lamb of God I come…

The pardon that I found from sin spilled out from where the nails went in

My heart will evermore proclaim I haven’t lived until that day

I know there is a crown for me beyond where mortal eyes can see

And I don’t nod to any man, but to offer me just as I am

I come rejoicing with hands held high I come singing words of new life…